Too Absorbed On The Inside
by Susan Thom(42)http://onsuchthings.com
I never have known quite for sure, if there are those who think, and therefore, act, correctly all the time, and then, those who don't. I have been the latter much of my life, by the way. I had a combination of biology and being in a very rocky, intense relationship with my father. Blame takes the seat here, but has since been worked through, understood, and forgiven. Not quite forgotten, however.
When one is made to be subservient and degraded by another human being simply because they are not as strong, it forms a cement foundation that has no alternative but to crumble in time. Character traits also figure in; stubbornness, the need to be right, wanting one's feelings and thoughts to be recognized. It's a viscous circle, and can cause anything from promiscuity, alcoholism, drug addiction, other addictions, and simply, a worn out brain that needs help.
I guess I never quite got " it " . The way people thought, how that differed from the way I thought, wondering who was right or wrong, and having no place to be confirmed. Definitely not a moral booster. I was like a chameleon, changing according to who I was with, and how they thought. It wasn't as if I didn't have a center, a soul that had been filled in with many good truths and respectful, caring concepts, because I did. I didn't lie, cheat or steal, I just didn't make good choices.
I was unhappy on the inside, and believed outside sources that led to inside feelings, were the answer. If someone was attracted to me, I figured I should go with them, if a group of friends liked a certain kind of music I despised, agree with them. This was me before being exposed to the philosophy and incorporation of " to thine own self be true. " At the time, it was more like, " To you I shall bow. " If they would just like me, like me. Poor choices arise from that type of center. Other's egos got stroked, and mine diminished more and more.
We all reach a bottom at some point, whether from drugs or alcohol or being a doormat for others' convenience and entertainment. We can either throw in the towel and give up until we are totally empty, and void of even the slightest inkling of life, or we can fight. Personally, at this point, I think outside help is necessary. I started with self help books, moved to near death experience books, which strengthened my faith, and psychology based books. I learned why I thought and acted, therefore, reacted in the ways I did that were not beneficial to my well-being.
I went through a twelve step program, and heard all the pieces of the puzzle I had been missing. They lived inside of me, but I always had too much baggage sitting on them to utilize their strength and purpose. It took me about five years to sort it all out, with the help of structured do's and don'ts and rights and wrongs. I learned about character traits, and what I could do to use them to my advantage, instead of to my disadvantage. I began to slowly feel lighter, and happier.
I started to pay more attention to detail, and weed out the bull, and I noticed things about nature that I had never taken the time to admire. I was too absorbed on the inside of me, I wasn't enjoying the outside. I believe everything happens for a reason, and once I had begun to be somewhat strong, situations and crisis happened in my life which at one time, would have crumbled me to the ground.
I just had to smile, feeling that my life had been on a course to get me to where I was, and therefore, although difficult, and causing me to break down a few times, I was able to move through it all and come out better and stronger. I wouldn't have chosen the methods that were needed for that to happen, but I have to be grateful that something got me to a better place.
I know God was the guiding force, as well as angels, and spirits who loved me and have gone on, and good friends, and a constitution that won't ever let me give up totally. Life is a wave we can either ride to the best of our ability, turning towards whatever methods can help us, or we can let it overcome us and drag us to the bottom, twirling all the way down. This decision truly is our choice. We can't do anything for others, we must learn and grow and experience and gain wisdom, strength and patience, on our own.
There are those, of course, who may help us along the way, but the ability to change our thought pattern to a more peaceful and calm state of being, is ultimately our decision. Our motives need to be pure, simple and humble, in order for us to sustain the type of energy needed for a second try at this free style entity called life. Humility is born out of honesty and a willingness to change in order to add positivity and vitality to our spiritual existence.
" To you I shall bow, " will no longer be a part of the intricacies of thoughts in my mind. " To thine own self be true " will hold new meaning.
Article submitted Saturday, April 04, 2009 & read 179 times.
Leave Your Comments:
» left by Teresa Ortz (1 year 117 days ago.)
Hi Sue, very well said and a very encouraging article. We will never make everyone happy, so we need to be real to ourselves and then we will know our true friends and love. Thanks for sharing this! Love,tRespond to this comment
» left by Susan Thom(42) (1 year 116 days ago.)
hi t,
thank you so much.
things are getting better, after a very long journey through the dark side of the soul. i am feeling much more hopeful and at peace.
i appreciate your readership, and your comments,
my best to you,
sue
Respond to this comment
» left by David Pekrul (1 year 117 days ago.)
Wonderfully expressed. Yes, ultimately it is our responsibility. There is a saying (which I really hate, but it is probably true), "the experience can make you bitter or make you better". I submitted a sonnet here a while back called, "Take Responsibility". I don't know if you have read it.Respond to this comment
» left by Susan Thom(42) (1 year 116 days ago.)
hi david,
it's so good to hear from you.
i have been busy. end of divorce stuff, and i don't know if i told you i went to texas to see my 21 year old son graduate from the airforce, so i was away for 6 days, and recuperating for 20 :)
it was the 4th most precious moment in my life-each time i first looked into each of my 3 kids eyes, and then, when i surprised my son and he realized it was me and said, "you came, this is the best gift i ever got." a moment made to last a lifetime, and it will.
he's in missississippi now for avionics vo tech. he loves it there.
thanks for reading and commenting.
my best to you,
sue
Respond to this comment
» left by Gary W. Halsey Sr. (1 year 116 days ago.)
Susan, Great article, and a insight to you that one would never have known. I really liked the way you have delt with things in this article, and in the end, I love the part where you said, and I quote, "the ability to change our thought pattern to a more peaceful and calm state of being, is ultimately our decision. Our motives need to be pure, simple and humble, in order for us to sustain the type of energy needed for a second try at this free style entity called life". I loved this phrase.....and I believe in it, this article was well written, and I loved the end message, your pal, and fan,......Gary
Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 113 days ago.)
hi gary,
thank you for reading and responding.
experience is our best teacher. and i do want a second try at this thing called life.
i've made many mistakes, now i just want to practice what i've learned during the down times.
i'm giving it everything i've got.
fifty three is coming up on jly 1st, and it will be the best year of my life...i'll keep you posted,
my best to you,
sue
Respond to this comment
» left by Linda DeWitt (1 year 114 days ago.)
Great article. It just takes time to learn to be true to ourselves. Congrats.Linda D.Respond to this comment
» left by sue (1 year 113 days ago.)
hi linda,
you are soooo right. it took me 52 years, and i'm still not totally there. but i've made it through some rough times, and i held on to my faith for dear life, something i couldn't see, but i surely could feel, and i am looking forward to the future.
thanks for reading and responding,
my best to you,
sue
Respond to this comment